Married Man

I was 17.  He was older by double, married, and several positions above me, in the same company.  He would groom me, encourage me, and eventually, he would use me.  That’s not the part I think about though.  What’s had me stuck, longer than I’d care to admit, is one sentence he’d say, over and over.

“This has nothing to do with my wife.”

He was convinced, and from what he told me, he was also in love with his wife.  He was happy with his family.  But somehow, I’d still find myself in the back of his van, next to a carseat, contorted every which way for his pleasure.  His unexplainable need for pleasure, when he already  had more than enough.

“How is that even possible?  How can you say this has nothing to do with your wife?”

I don’t know why I always felt the need to ask him about what we were doing.  I don’t know why I asked, because his answer would always disappoint.  I could tell he had no reason for any of it.  And I’d still sit and listen as he justified it to himself.

“If you’re convinced we’re not doing anything wrong, then why not just tell her?”

When I was younger I had this insatiable need to please and be amenable.  So even when I could see him lying to me, I’d go along with it.  That’s how I survived as a kid, I went along with things.  If you don’t disturb people, if you stay away from attention, if you’re easily accepting, then maybe, you just might make it to the next day.

“It’s for her own good, there are some things she doesn’t need to know.”

It’s not always wise to call people out on their B.S.  Honestly, many people aren’t even aware they are doing it anymore.  To some people, lying is no longer a choice, but a part of the many habits that get overlooked and continued for no reason other than routine.  That married man, taught me a valuable lesson.

“I’m done.  And I’m sorry for what I’ve done to your wife.”

Just because you had to be a certain way at one point to survive, doesn’t mean that is the only way to go on surviving.  I had to go on working with him after that.  I never stopped wondering about his wife, and if she truly didn’t know what he was up to.  And I never stopped wondering how many marriages out there are carrying lies just as big.

“I’m never going to get married.”

A promise I made to myself when I was 17, just after the married man affair.  A promise that was broken four years later when I was 21.  Although I have worries the same as most married people, I’m not fixated on the problems that could come.  But I am realistic.  I know anything is possible, and honestly, I’m okay with that.

 

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I love her

I love her.  The truth is, it’s not something I can change.  Even though she never listens to me.  Even though she treats me like shit.  Even though she’s incredibly selfish.  I can’t help it.  I loved her the second I saw her in that red top, and I fought to make her mine.

I get moments, where she is the woman I fell in love with.  She can be funny, kind, understanding, and she gives me peace.  If only those moments were more.  It doesn’t really matter though, because I won’t leave.

I told her, she’ll have to be the one to leave.  I need her.  Everything about me needs her.  I need her love, I need her approval, I need her attention, and I need her to be happy.  I crave her and I dream about her and I give her everything I am, every day.

There isn’t a moment where I’m not attentive.  There isn’t an instance where I let anything affect the way I treat her.  Even when I try to tell her what she is doing to me, the way her face conveys her disinterest, the way her tone changes, the way she tunes me out, even then, I feel bad for making her feel bad.

Because she does feel bad.  She may not even be aware that her behavior is harsh.  I know she tries to change, but it never lasts long.  That’s the problem.  It’s the same fight, every time there’s a fight, and it’s been a decade.  I’m exhausted, because it’s not just her. It’s everything.

My whole fucking life I’ve been literally beaten down.  There has not been one moment of peace.  I have had no relief and it’s beginning to gnaw at my spirit.  I’ve been hurt in every way and I get so tired of it all.  I know it’s not fair to put everything on her.  I don’t mean to.  I’m sure it’s a heavy responsibility, but it’s what I need.

She’s the only one I want to talk to, the only one I want to see, the only one I want to be around.  Maybe if she didn’t love me, like I love her, it could be interpreted as suffocating.  But she’s the first person in my life to stay.  She stayed when she had no reason to.  So I need her, and because I need her, I put up with whatever she puts out.

It’s all worth it.  Whatever I get from her, is more than worth it.  Everything I had to put up with before I met her, completely worth it.  Even if she were the only piece of luck in my life, she would still be worth it.  I won’t go into detail about her, the way she looks or the way she is, mostly because I know how easy it is to fall in love with her.

I try to keep her for myself, tucked away in our home.  I try to make it so the only time she’s out, she’s with me.  Of course, I know this isn’t realistic.  It’s not that I don’t trust her, because I have never doubted her and I will never.  It’s that she doesn’t know how beautiful she is.

She walks around brandishing her confidence and a warm smile and people can’t help but look.  I know she doesn’t even notice.  I know that she is always in her own world, daydreaming, spacing out, sleep-walking.  She has no idea and even is she did notice, she’d hate it.

I’m sure by now I’ve managed to portray myself in a most unflattering manner.  It’s of no consequence.  The truth is, I only care about one person’s opinion.  I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, whose opinion that is.  According to her, I’m incredible.  She says I’m strong and kind, smart and hopeful.

She says my capacity for forgiveness is amazing and that I have a natural ability for motivating people.  She says a lot about me, and I’ve started to believe her.  She fixes me, every day.  She watches me, observes my behaviors.  Because of her, I’ve learned how to relax.  I learned I don’t need to please everyone.  I learned I need to be kind to myself and that happiness is possible.

Less

I have a secret

But I’ll never tell

It’s not problem to keep it

And it’s just as well

You wouldn’t want to know

It could mean your time

I would have to go

Through my life

So keep your distance

And I’ll keep mine

There is no instance,

Which could cause me mind

There is no hurt

Without this delight

And there are no words

That could cause you to try

And it’s just as well

Because you wouldn’t want to know

And it’s just as well

That I’m on my own

Straight Talk

We need to start watching what we say.  And no, I don’t mean because it’s 2017 and everyone has suddenly become oversensitive.  I mean, we need to watch what we say, because words carry an unbelievable weight behind them.  It’s not about being careful with your words because people can’t take a joke.  It’s about taking a minute and recognizing the person you are having a conversation with, and how your words will affect them.  Words that go from one mouth, into another’s ears, will unravel according to the person.  Some people can handle a straight-talk type of approach, while others will need something softer.  The same phrase, “We need to fix this problem,” will never be heard the same way.  One person might hear that phrase and feel attacked, another may feel motivated.  The point is, we need to watch the way talk to people.  If we are talking to be understood, we must then adjust what we are saying based on the person we are saying it to.  How can we expect to be understood, when we are continually sending the wrong messages?  We have to realize, that just because something is said, and meant a certain way, does not mean that is how the message will be received.  We’ve all played the telephone game when we were little, where one kid starts a whisper, and by the time the whisper has reached the last kid, it has transformed itself through several different viewpoints and come out as something foreign.  We must be mindful, that once our thoughts go out as words, there is nothing more we can do.  The words will be translated through everyone else’s mindset, and all we can hope is that we put enough thought into the delivery, so that the message is received as what it was meant to be.  Unless, of course, you’re not talking to be understood.  But, then, what would be the point?

Stop

You never stop

You need too much

Your mind is afraid

Of each arriving thought

You’re needy

You’re clingy

You’re becoming manipulative

I try and I smile

But I know

I can’t give in

Is this love

It seems like too much

My life

Is not yours

I am not your crutch

Quiet

Give me your closed mouth

Your soft skin and strong hands

Give me your movement

I need the silence

Leave your opinions and your judgment

I don’t want it

Give me your silence

Leave your attitude and your insecurities

I can’t have it

I don’t want it

Leave your shit behind

I need quiet

Anaya

Anaya

Anaya he tells me

Anything for the love

Anything the love can dream

Anaya

The deep pools of your auburn eyes

Speak of a love that will never die

The quiet actions done for love

Speak to a truth no one can tell

If only we didn’t have to wait

If only I knew you when

If only we could take that time back

Anaya

I’ll go back and find you again

Because I am yours

In this life and the next

I am yours

Deep inside where only your light shines

My love is yours